Hunger signals
Some of my reflections and thoughts on how our eating disorders speak for us…
We are all born with hunger signals. A baby cries and it’s mother holds it, loves it, nurtures it, and feeds it. The baby learns that it’s physical need for food is also associated with an emotional need for love. When all goes as it should within development and relationships, a child learns that its needs are good, appropriate, and signals that something needs to be filled. When those needs are met appropriately, the child learns that it is ok to express needs so that they might be filled. Anxieties are soothed and the child has an overall sense of safety and well-being.
Unfortunately, all does not always go well within development and relationships. We all have physical needs, emotional needs, relational needs, spiritual needs etc. We hunger in all of these areas. Our most primal needs, food and love, begin from the moment of conception. Sometimes our needs are not met appropriately. A child may not receive the attention and love that it needs. Her parents may be preoccupied with their own problems and not have the resources to care for the child’s emotional needs. Perhaps the child feels neglected, unseen, abandoned.
Somewhere along the line, the anorexic learns that it is too risky to have needs. Having needs just means that they won’t be filled. (Disappointment is one of the most difficult emotions for people with eating disorders. ) The anorexic has learned that it is better to just not have any needs at all. She thinks to herself, “I am stronger than everyone else. I don’t need anything. Having needs is weak. I am different; special; better than other people. In fact, I’m not even really human. It’s easier if I’m just a robotic entity without feelings or needs.” Perhaps the anorexic has been told, either directly or indirectly, that her needs are not valid, a burden, too much to handle. Perhaps she sees that her family is unable to attend to her needs and so she decides not to have them at all, or to take care of them herself, in order to help out her family. She feels like a burden, so she dare not have any needs that burden other’s even more. Her very existence is a bother to others, so the smaller she gets the better. If she can just shrink away into oblivion it would be better for everyone.
The anorexic expresses her revolution against needs through the physical deprivation of her body. Ironically, her body is crying out, “I’m starving for love, attention, and affection! I am desperately in need of someone to notice me!” Emotional needs for love and affection become confused with physical needs for food and nourishment. Just as the baby associates love and affection from its mother with it’s physical need for food, so the anorexic deprives herself of food as she starves for emotional fulfillment. The problem is that a physical need can NEVER fulfill an emotional need.
Like the anorexic, the over eater hungers for love and affection. Only she has attempted to feed her emotional hunger through physical means. Again, the problem is that there is not enough ice cream in the world to fill that emotional hole. Again, perhaps the over eater was told that it was not ok to have feelings or emotions. Perhaps her feelings were invalidated, ignored, manipulated, or diminished. The over eater tells herself, “that cheesecake will make everything ok. These cheeseburgers will make me happy and make all of my problems go away. I guess it’s not ok to be sad, so I’ll make myself feel better with those brownies.” Again, expressing emotional needs was not safe or maybe even dangerous. Her cries for love and attention were left unmet, so she learned that it was safer to turn to her physical needs instead.
Perhaps any physical sign of hunger is terrifying to her because it means that she has a need, so she quickly stuffs it with ice cream and donuts. While she denies and stuffs her emotional and relational needs, her body cries out, “Can’t you see me now!? I’m so big that you have to notice me! Can’t you tell that something is wrong? I just don’t know how to tell you. I am so hungry for love that even the whole world of food can’t seem to fill it.”
So, what are we truly hungry for? What is the need we are trying to meet? Do you need that donut or do you need a hug? Are you a robot without needs or do you need to be heard and understood? Food is just food! It does not have magical powers. It can only do one thing: nourish your physical body. It cannot nourish your soul, fix your problems at work, mend your broken family, make you feel valuable. Try meeting those relational needs relationally. Try meeting those spiritual needs spiritually. Take the feelings out of the food and deal with the feelings. Let the food be food and let your feelings be your feelings.
