Gold Stars
At the tender age of six, my kindergarten world was an amalgam of play doh, monarch butterfly projects, and snotty-nosed little kids. But one thing that remains etched in my memory is the “Gold Star Citizenship Board” that my teacher erected on the front wall next to a sea of our tiny little hand print cut-outs.
My teacher explained that each time we did something nice or helpful for another student, we could put a gold star next to our name. Everyone could then see how many gold stars each student had. And there it was: the very first activation of that competitive, externalized gene in me. This was a whole new paradigm! All I had to do was something good and I could get a gold star next to my name. Oh, how I coveted those gold stars! And how I wanted to have more than anyone else in the classroom. I had learned that my approval and worth was measured by outside acknowledgment. I would spend the next 20 or so years amassing little gold stars next to my name, and I would make sure that I had more than everyone else in the classroom.
Fast forward 20 years: I’m sitting at the kitchen table with my family perusing through old folders of stashed away awards, honors, and certificates. We had a lot of good laughs reminiscing over the past years and over awkward school photos. There’s nothing like that infamous bowl haircut to take me back! But as we flipped through more and more scholar athlete awards, MVP awards, and even camp archery certificates, I realized… gosh, there sure are a lot these. And I realized just how much of my life had been spent accumulating more and more external accolades and outside approval. Did I perform in school and sports and the like because I enjoyed it or because I felt that they defined me?
Typical of many people with eating disorders, I landed here on earth genetically externalized. The dictionary defines “externalized” as “to make external; to embody in an outward form. To regard as existing of externals. To regard or treat as being caused by externals; attribute to external causes.” It is extremely common for those with eating disorders to amass an identity composed of outside factors and attributions. Most are extremely successful and high-achieving.
Combine this externalized genetic disposition with a culture that esteems productivity, achievement, and performance and you’ve got the perfect storm. These individuals are highly susceptible to living life outside of themselves. They are likely highly sensitive to how others view and perceive them. They are most likely people-pleasers and highly astute to how others feel. They have to be. This is there means of surviving in the world and forming a positive identity composed of outside factors.
Thus, these individuals are extremely disconnected from themselves. They have no idea what their own internal state it, much less that they have one. They have no ability to identify their own internal feelings, perceptions, and experiences. This leads to a disconnection from one’s body, where these feelings are stored. Combine these factors with trauma, abuse, and/or a family system that denies feelings, and an even greater disconnection from the body results. The rigorous and long-term work of recovery is helping these individuals to develop their sense of self apart from the gold stars, possibly something they have never had.
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