More than Recovery
“Why would I want to recover the way things were before my eating disorder? Things are bad now, but they were even worse then.”
“They say I’m supposed to recover. But recover what? Recover whom? I have no idea who I was before my eating disorder.”
“How do I return to a life when I have no idea who I was? As least with my eating disorder I have some sort of identity. Without it I’m just a big blank.”
“Recover what? There’s no way I’m going back to my life before this!”
These are all common sentiments I have heard from my clients. What is recovery exactly? It’s a word we through around all the time in the mental health community. It’s supposed to be that thing we do when we’re trying to move past an addiction or a brokenness of some sort. We have clinics and treatment centers named after this word. In the dictionary, I found definitions such as:
”a return to a normal condition”
“the regaining of something lost”
“restoration to a former or better condition”
Let’s take the first one: “a return to a normal condition”. That’s sounds good, but what if what was normal for someone before the eating disorder set in was horrific? People don’t get eating disorders without a significant amount of pain. Who would want to return to that? And for many people, their eating disorder is, in a bizarre way, their saving grace. It has helped them cope with terrible circumstances and survive things that otherwise might kill them or literally drive them insane. Who would want to return to that without some form of numbing agent?
How about the second definition: “the regaining of something lost”. That’s all well and good if you know what you lost. Most people with eating disorders have no idea who they truly are inside. They are completely disconnected from any core identity, thus turning to externals to define them (looks, numbers, measurements, calories, accomplishments, approval, etc.). I have had clients who can’t tell me what their favorite color is or whether they want to turn right or left. The eating disorder takes on a life of it’s own, the sufferer merely the conduit. One’s identity becomes the eating disorder, and without that, many fear they won’t have an identity at all.
Healing from an eating disorder involves intensive discovery of one’s self. It is more than just returning to normal; it is a long and tedious journey of self-discovery. It is a blossoming of life, purpose, and joy. Many question whether it’s even worth it. Perhaps they have never known life as it’s meant to be and doubt that things can get better. It’s worth it! Because it’s not just returning to a previous state. It’s moving beyond that and going deeper than that. It’s engaging on an ever-unfolding journey of living as who you are created to be. And the work is never done. It’s discovering what you like and dislike, your dreams, passions, desires. It’s finding one’s unique expression through voice, art, dance… It’s fully experiencing all of your minute emotions, the pain and heartache as well as the ecstatic joy and laughter. It’s discovering where one begins and ends in relationship and knowing the joy of real connection with a friend. It seeing the world in full color and being an alert and present participant in your own life and in the lives of others. It’s not just about gaining weight; it’s gaining a life worth living.
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